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Post by Taisuke on Jul 30, 2008 23:04:43 GMT -5
((Okay, here goes.... Taisuke)) With a deep breath, he took the plunge, nearly gasping as he hit the brisk water. With powerful strokes for his small frame, he pushed himself towards the bottom of the lake and retrieved his dropped goggles, immediately kicking off the sandy bed and swimming to the surface.
"Taisuke!" The youth's mother called, running to the edge of the water on the beach, "Come on, it's time to eat!"~ Taisuke opened his eyes with a start, only to end up staring at a dark room. HIS room. Or was it? He looked about, his eyes adjusting to the light, realizing that it was his room... But not at home. He was still at the cabin, far from his home and unforgiving classmates. The boy closed his eyes and turned in his bed to face the wall, where he slowly drifted back to sleep.
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Post by SilverSugar on Jul 30, 2008 23:23:40 GMT -5
Just to remind you, I'm not trying to be mean or anything, just giving my honest critique.
Okay, my first impression of this post is that it's just too short to be a substantial start to a thread, additionally you don't really give me much of a chance to enter the thread. Unless of course you were thinking of Elle joining in, but you didn't specify that so I wasn't sure. If you'd like to add more, you may, but I can also proceed with my critique and go through it if you'd rather.
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Post by Taisuke on Jul 30, 2008 23:24:41 GMT -5
((I didn't know it was supposed to be a thread opener. <.< I thought it was more of a writing thing. xD))
Taisuke awoke a few hours later to a vibrantly shining sun attacking his eyes, still sensitive from the sleep. He slid from his bed and slipped into a shirt and pants in one fluid motion, not taking care to make sure his shirt was on correctly. The sleepy youth stumbled outside, mumbling a good morning to his mother, who was reading on a chair in the dreaded sun. Taisuke soon found himself by the dock connected to the cabin's yard, dangling his feet into the water and watching the ducks dive for food several meters away. Next door, he could hear someone talking, seemingly to themselves, but took no heed to it, instead letting himself drift off into a daydream.
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Post by SilverSugar on Jul 30, 2008 23:36:43 GMT -5
It is more of a writing thing, but I still need to be able to work with it... It's just so short I'm going to have a hell of a time saying anything more than that.
One tip I am able to give right now is that when you are doing a dream sequence type thing try putting it in italics to show that the difference between the dreaming actions and the sleeping ones. Separating it with a ~ bridge is good, but it does break the flow of the thread pretty awkwardly.
You know how to make italics correct?
[i]Text to Italicize.[/i]
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Post by Taisuke on Jul 30, 2008 23:39:03 GMT -5
((Yeah, i know how to make italics, i was just worried you might be morally against them or something. I know a few RPers who complain that they strain the eyes, which i think is bull... But still.))
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Post by SilverSugar on Jul 30, 2008 23:44:42 GMT -5
Total bullshit, italics rock. Next time someone complains at you using them just tell them to increase the font size on their computer.
Anyway, if you wanna add more to your post, don't modify the old one, just post it again with the changes.
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